Roommates are Hell
by The Man Who Has No Life
Summary: Henry Townshend had a bad life, but now he was stuck living with James Sunderland, the super intendent's son. Pain, misery, and lots of hiliarious situations follow... Things might be better if they weren't completely idiots...


And I was inspired to write this after reading someone else's fanfics (cough)Darkcomet(cough). Anyway, this has cursing and violence in it, but I'm pretty sure they're in the standards of being rated T.

And I know the setting has been used many times, but that's where the similarities end.

Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Konami does. Just so that I don't have to put it in a list, I'll say this, I don't own anything so don't sue me.

* * *

Written by: **The Man Who Has No Life**

**Chapter 1: Vegetable Headed Terror  
**

"Henry... Would you say we're friends?", James Sunderland, the main character of Silent Hill 2 asked his roommate.

"No.", Henry, the main character of SH4 said, not even looking at him as continued to watch television.

"But why?", James asked innocently, not remembering causing his roommate any kind of trouble.

Instead of being nice, he was blunt...

"Because A) you're a murderer, B) I don't like you, and C) You wake me up in the middle of the night to try to hug me", Henry said, a little annoyed.

"You're so mean, you just need a hug. And for the record, my wife was a bitch, always yelling at me for trying to be nice when she was sick. It's like she lost her mind or something."

Henry looked at him for a second with his mouth open slightly, ".....She was dying and you gave her flowers just to try to have hospital sex."

"And she should have put out!"

"Anyone could have walked in on it since the door didn't have a lock!", Henry yelled, then thought of something,"And why aren't you in prison for committing murder?", James opened his mouth to answer but the commercial break was over "Never mind, the news is back on."

"In unrelated events to the murders at Camp Crystal Lake, the mid-western town of Raccoon City was caught in an explosion from a nuclear reactor meltdown.", the news reporter stated.

With the report over, Henry's mind went back as he remembered the terms of his agreement with Frank Sunderland, James' dad and the superintendent. Regarding the benefits if he'd stay.... But left out the bad parts. Like staying with a naive child stuck in a man's body.

_Knock-knock-knock..._

_Henry opened the door and looked out into the not bloody hallway he saw when he was trapped in Walter's world. And instead of looking at a mutilated version of himself, he saw Frank Sunderland._

_"It's not time for rent yet...", Henry said, looking at him with slightly narrowed eyes._

_"Can't someone just stop by for a visit?", the super asked, slightly defensively._

_"It's 3 A.M...", he hissed._

_"Well, it's a late night visit, but I wanted to know if you could do me a favor.", the super said and ignoring the hiss._

_"What is it?"_

_"Wait, you're not a murderer are you? Or suicidal?"_

_"No...", then his eyes narrowed, "Why?"_

_"I need you to let my son stay here for the weekend"_

_"No."_

_"I'll give you anything you want...."_

_"Hmm...", Henry hummed while rubbing his chin.  
_

_"Almost anything you want", Frank corrected.  
_

_"Give me 4,000 dollars", Henry decided.  
_

_"Why?!"_

_"Your son's a crazy murderer! And you charged me for Walter's body being hidden in my apartment you cheap jackass!"_

_"No one gets a freebie from me! Not even corpses!", the super said, then remembered he needed the man's help, " The truth is I wanted to buy a flat screen TV"  
_

_" So you took advantage of me being tortured for days to get money?", Henry said, a fist forming.  
_

_"Yes, but it's too late to change the past", the super suddenly changing the subject to not make himself look more like a jackass, "But onto the reason why you should let him stay here"_

_"Yes?", Henry asked, considering it might be a good thing to have a few advantages... Like if he somehow got locked inside of his room again, the super wouldn't just slide notes under his door instead of calling the police.  
_

_"Since I know you're not violently homicidal, and not suicidal since you didn't kill yourself the first few days", he asked._

_Henry grinned nervously as he remembered when he tried to drown himself the second day of confinement in his bathroom. Whenever he tried, he'd pass out and wake up with a wound on the back of his head, eventually he gave up, but when he saw Walter's pipe, he put two and two together.  
_

_"No, I'm not. And I don't need to go to a mental hospital either...", it was true, he was pretty sure he'd die anyway so he might as well have sped up the process.  
_

_"I'll let you stay here for free if you let my son, James, stay with you."_

_" You mean the guy that wants to molest Mannequins?"_

_" No, that's his tormentor, Pyramid Head", Frank corrected.  
_

_"But it's a representation of his mind. What he wants to do.", Henry explained._

_"...."_

_"....."_

_".... Anyway, he doesn't have anywhere to stay and the rest of the occupants here are either violent or suicidally depressed. He tried to drown himself once in Toluca Lake. And he doesn't have any friends he can stay with..."_

_"He doesn't have any friends at all, does he?", Henry asked with his arms crossed.  
_

_" Yes he does you arrogant bastard.", Frank replied as casually, then thought "_ His hand_"  
_

_"What's their name? Ms. Righty?"_

_".... I'm trying to be serious here but you just keep making it harder, now do you accept?"_

_"Are you going to pay me?"_

_"I'll give you 200 dollars at the end of every week until it's paid"  
_

_Henry stared at him for a moment, weighing the pros and cons. On one side he'd get to stay in the apartment for free, then again this James was supposedly a psycho. But money outweighed safety... And he could always use his bat or axe if the chubby freak got of out line..._

_"Why can't he stay with you?"_

_"My friend Haggis is going to be coming over for a visit and there isn't a lot of room for her. So will you? It'll only be for a little while"_

_"Fine, but he better not break anything"_

_"Great!", Frank said, then yelled, "JAMES! GET IN ROOM 302!!!"_

_Then somehow a split second later, a blond man with a green jacket ran around the corner of the hallway and into Henry's apartment.  
_

Henry got up to get a bag of chips from the pantry, but stopped when he realized that there was nothing in there... He ate everything when Walter locked him inside of his room, but hoped he missed something...

"Damn, no food.", Henry said and slowly looked at James. "Hey James.... Buddy, I was harsh on you, so let me make it to you by showing you how much I trust you. Go to the supermarket and get me food, anything will be fine, and some drinks. It'll be the first step to growing a trust!"

Unfortunately for Henry, James wasn't the idiot that everyone else made him out to be, he just glared at Henry for a moment.

" I'm not your errand boy.", James said, then turned back to the TV.

"Okay, I'll go with you...", Henry said. He hated the intelligence the flabby man had, angry that he wouldn't be able to spy on Eileen through his peephole that he _accidentally_ forgot to tell Frank about.... And put his drawer in front of it... Then claimed Walter was lying when he said a ghost put it there and covered with duct-tape and said it was a normal hole when he tried to look. Then _accidentally_ took the duct-tape off when he saw Eileen come over with a guy... And then started to masterba--

"Okay then, let's go!", James said, eager to make a real friend instead of an imaginary one.

Later, after stalking up on the essentials, which were meat, fruit, vegetables, toilet paper, DVDs, maps leading to strip clubs, pornography about James' imaginary girlfriend Maria - which Henry kept hidden-.... and were now making their way to their apartment without any problems. Well, that was until James turned on the radio while eating a candy bar, and the song, 'What is Love', began to play... And Henry couldn't turn it off without permission because he didn't legally own a car, he didn't make enough to buy his own, just to keep his apartment and he had to walk everyone and as a result he was as thin as a crackhead.

And James was possibly a very, very, _very _stupid person, but he couldn't tell at the moment. possibly trying to kill himself again... And taking someone with him. But due to how long he was looking at Henry with his foot on the pedal, chances were he'd have an accident.

So he tried to be polite to the childish man, "James, can you please turn it off?"

James pressed the gas pedal and looked over at him, for a second, not wanting to ignore his new friend.... And not willing to turn down his favorite song.

"What?!", James screamed over the music, his ears turning back to the road.

_"We're gonna have a wreck or hit somebody like this", _Henry through, then yelled, "TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!!!"

Then his eyes lit up as he noticed something dark brown moving near Henry's head, on the side of passenger's made a high-pitched, girlish scream as the fat roach suddenly flew at the candy bar crumbs on his hands... And his face.

"AH! AH! AAAAAAAAAAH! GET IT OFF ME!!!", James screamed as let go of the driver's wheel while his foot was still on the pedal.

"YOU JUST RAN 4 RED LIGHTS!!", Henry screamed, afraid for his life, afraid of going to prison, afraid of being someone's bitch.... And oh yeah, afraid of James' life... Maybe.

"IT'S IN MY EAR!!", James, screamed, ignoring what Henry said.

Meanwhile, an old lady was making her away across the street. And instead of normal clothing, she was dressed in a black robe, like a stereotypical witch.

Henry looked around for something to kill the insect with when his eyes looked through the windshield and he saw the old lady , "JAMES FOCUS ON THE ROAD!"

James couldn't hear the old woman scream over the loud and constant music.

_THUMP!!!_

"Oh my God, what did I do?!", James screamed in terror over the radio and stopping the car immediately with terror all over his face.

Henry looked over at James as he stopped the car, thinking he'd noticed the hag they just ran over.

"It had eggs in it when I crushed it! What do I do with these things?!", James screamed in disgust as the oval objects were mixed in with white blood and dark body parts.

Henry just looked at the man like he was a complete idiot, then began to open his mouth to speak before he interrupted with, "Henry, get me a roll so I wipe it off my hands."

Henry did as he was told, and got him a roll from a bag.

After about a minute, James had his hands free of insect body parts.

Looking up at the street sign, James realized ," We missed our road."

"James we--", Henry began to say, worrying about the woman they'd hit.

"No need Henry, I know where we need to go. The corner behind us leads to Ashfield Heights.", James said. Checking his rearview mirror and not seeing anyone behind him since the woman was on the ground and thus out of the mirror's view, he backed up and unknowingly ran over the old lady again.

The woman was regaining control of her frail limbs and began to get up when the tires screeched and the back of the blue card was suddenly heading for her face again. She briefly got a license plate number 'X90413B' before _THUMP!!_

The car jumped slightly as it made contact with the woman, and James finally took notice of it.

"That's the 5th time this week I've hit a speed bump!"

"James, listen to me you--", Henry began to say, then stopped as he realized that if they stuck around the lady or her relatives would press charges against them, might as well try to get away. And besides, he wasn't the one driving the car... And he wasn't going to the police station to fill out a report that said he failed to stop someone from assaulting an old lady. Somehow the court would get the idea that if he could stop an immortal serial killer from harming an injured lady, he could stop someone who was as just as much a survivor as he was from hitting an old lady. How did that make sense? When he was UNARMED?!

"What is it Henry?", James asked.

".... Nothing.", Henry lied, then looked straight ahead.

"Wait... We didn't get milk and juice... We have to go back.", James said, then backed up and turned to the left and hit the _speed bump_ again.

Henry cringed at the sound of bones breaking, then realized the more time they spent there, the more chances that someone would see them.

"James, can't we take the longer way around... To talk?"

James looked over at him for a moment, thinking he was really making a friend then smiled and nodded, then pressed the gas pedal again and thought he had driven onto a small animal when he heard the sound of bones breaking and a little moaning.

"... Did I hit a dog?", Henry asked with guilt in his voice.

".... I'll get out and check", Henry said, not risking the guy growing a conscious and helping the girl, even if it meant he'd be thrown in prison with Big Joe, then muttered, "This is the ugliest person I've ever seen in my life!"

It was true, even the mutilated ghosts / corpses were more attractive than the old hunk of skin and bone before him.

The lady's hand shot out to Henry and he screamed like a girl, kicked her in the face, then ran back into the car.

"What?", James asked, wondering what was wrong with him

"Nothing... It's nothing, now let's go get that milk and... What was it again?", Henry said and got into the passenger's seat.

"Juice."

As they drove away, the old hag slowly rose off of the ground and rubbed her crushed arm that made the bone snapping sounds under the tires.

"Damn it Frank, there'd better be a hospital around here that won't discriminate against age.... Like I'm over 250 years old", the old lady muttered to herself and began to limp towards Ashfield Heights.

"So your mom was a prostitute?", Henry asked as he ate some of the chocolate ice cream they'd decided to pick up.

"No.", James answered, glancing over at him.

"Elaborate then"

"It wasn't prostitution since it was for free. If she got paid THEN it would have been prostitution"

"So she was just a whore?", Henry asked.

"...No, she was just a lady that had sex with a bunch of people"

"What's the difference?", Henry asked with his armed crossed.

" I... Uh... SHUT UP!", James said as he stopped the car in the parking lot.

"Where is she now?", Henry suddenly asked. He was very lonely since Eileen decided to start dating that Alex Shepherd guy... He'd kill son of a--

"Well, I don't know, my dad kicked her out because she gave him 5 types of STD..."

".... James how long was your mom... Promoting herself?"

"A few days before I was born.", James answered casually.

"..... So Frank's not..."

"..... We had a blood test done", James said a little annoyed now.

"What were the results?"

"..... He didn't answer me.", James said, " When I asked, he made me eat this old thing from this red box"

And James explained how Frank disciplined. How if he broke something he'd get hit in the head with a brick. If he did something wrong he'd be hit in the head with a bat. If he screwed up big time he'd have to eat some old piece of meat in a red box. Fortunately he didn't get the last one, his father in a drunken rage just took him over to an old friend's house and let this mechanic named Curtis touch him for money...

"How old were you when this happened?", Henry stared at the man for a moment, and the insanity his father put him through.

"It just happened 2 weeks ago"

"You didn't even fight back?"

"When he was disciplining me or when Curtis was trying to touch me?"

"Both."

"He lets me stay in his apartment after they"

"... So why was he so nice when he asked me to let you stay with me?"

"Because you have an axe"

"But he overpowered someone with a gun"

"... He probably just likes you then" _"You lucky son of a bitch"_

".... James, that thing that he made you eat from that red box... Was it in his room a lot?"

"Yeah, why?"

"That was Walter Sullivan's 40 year old umbilical cord."

"_WHAT!?"_

_Knock-knock-knock._

Frank opened the door and saw the old lady from before was there.

"What the hel--", then he thought that it was just a game, "Oh, role playing I see, eh Haggis... This isn't the first time." the old man said, then lowered his voice so that it sounded more seductive, but in reality sounded more like a transvestite doing a bad impersonation of a man, which made him sound a little gay... "I'll heal those wounds right up..."

"Frank, I'm really hurt right now.. And I said no, I'm never doing that with you since you have more types of STD than my customers", Haggis said, a little annoyed by stupidity, but he wasn't buying it since it just so happened that part of her cloak around the leg area was gone... when in reality part of it had been caught on part of the car.

"I know... Now lay down on the bed and I'll get my 'special treatment'"

"Frank, I'm serious you dumb ass.", she said a little annoyed with her mouth twitching slightly, she was going to hurt the idiot.

Then he looked at her claw-like hands ".... But with hands like those you can be the doctor and give me a-", he suddenly stopped his speech as her cane collided with the side of his head... And it wasn't the one on his shoulders, "YOU BITCH!!!", he screamed and fell down clutching himself.

"I told you no... Now I need you to give me one of the health drinks you keep writing to me about.", she said, "And then I'd like you to do me a favor."

"...A freaky favor?",She kicked him in the face, "... Okay, okay, what is it?"

"My arm is broken and so are my ribs, legs and maybe my spine... So I'd like for you to make a deal with me to summon _it_", Haggis said.

The perverted super thought that it was now a kinky role play and reached for his zipper he stopped when she glared at him and let her continue.

".... So I'm forbidden to summon _it_ myself, unless it's with another being like myself, so I'll need you to make a deal with me"

"... What's _it_?"

"My baby..."

".... Please don't say I'm the father."

"We need to have sex first, now stop kidding...."

Frank stared at her for a moment, then grinned as he realized she didn't remember that time he got her drunk in that bar...

_"... It_ the invincible Pumpkinhead!"

"Pumpkinhead... It kind of looks like one of those things from the Alien movies but with eyes."

".... Oh.... And why do you need someone else to summon it?"

"Those are the rules."

"So you can't summon it yourself?"

"No."

"But that means you're screwed if you're alone and need to summon it."

"If they do, Pumpkin Head will come when I die..."

".... Not right before you die?"

She shook her head.

Frank just stared at her for a moment, wondering what kind of retard would make rules like that.

"So you did it to yourself willingly?"

"Yes."

".... Okay, so what do I do if I do the deal?"

"You'll get to get revenge on those that ran over a good friend of yours."

"... We're not friends... I just invited you over and intended to get you drunk so I could.... Anyway, but now that I know you have a son and now that you're kind of bleeding in places...."

While Frank was telling the old hag how he intended to seduce her, James was sitting on Henry's couch watching television. He passed a news report about a maniac in a soccer mask and machete named Jason Voorhees, another about some mute guy that wore a white mask named Michael Myers, another about kids having nightmares and dying in their beds on someplace named Elm Street, something about a killer doll haunting a little boy, another about Frosted Flakes, until he finally got to the channel he wanted: the porn channel.

That was until he saw who it was about.

".... Maria!?", he screamed as he saw his hallucination doing things with a Pyramid Head... And two large dogs. And he meant 'large' in 'that' way.

Sure he'd killed her.... But still, she was made for him and him alone! The crazy maniac didn't even want her until at the very moment he saw her on television... And considering what she was doing that made him want her at the moment didn't make him look too good.

_"I'm gonna kill that bitch I'm gonna kill that bitch I'm kill that--"_, James repeated in his head before out of nowhere a strange groaning sound came.

The human-like abomination stared at him for a second before it came through the rest of the wall.... The one that had Eileen Galvin's room on the other-side.

"Excuse me, but does Henry live here?", the female ghost asked with a Spanish accent.

"Yeah, he's in his room.", James said, a little to distracted about thinking how he'd get back at Maria, and the fact that he couldn't judge one bloodied monster that he'd just met.

"Thank you... You know, I could repay you back with a _special _favor.", the ghost suddenly said. It was none other than Cynthia Velasquez, the slutty woman from Silent Hill 4: The Room!

"Not unless you can make my ex-wannabe-girlfriend jealous, you can't do anything",he said, deciding he'd need to think about it and ignore everything that came his way... Everything that came his way except Henry, maybe he could help. But he also ignored what the ghost did next.

"I have a lot of experience in making women jealous", the ghost said, lifting up her shirt.

The idiot didn't even look, "Damn it lady just go to Henry already and leave me alone!"

"What the hell's wrong with you?!", and with that, the undead prostitute floated through Henry's wall.

_"WHAT THE HELL!?",_ Henry's voice screamed through the wall.

_"SO SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME?!", _Cynthia's voice said

_"LET ME PUT MY PANTS ON FIRST YOU WHORE!"_, Henry said, then realized he made a mistake.

_"I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"  
_

James ignored the screaming of Henry, then realizing that his friend was in danger jumped up and ran into his room, seeing Henry on the floor with his pants around his knees, and a roll of toilet paper in his hand.

"You tried to rape him!?", James suddenly accused... yet she was somehow on the other side of the room.. and had a somewhat shocked face.

"No, he was touching hi--"

"Liar! I know you're type!", James screamed, then used his experiences with Maria as an example, "You dressed like that to get his attention, but when he said no you tried to force yourself on him! Admit it you whore!", James screamed and charged the immortal ghost, intent on saving his friend. He was only a foot away from her and brought back his fist to punch her when her foot slammed into his nuts and he dropped to the ground in pain.

"I came here to kill him!", she screamed.

" I bet it was to hide the evidence you rapist!", James screamed, his head starting to hurt from prolonged exposure to her deadly aura, "Henry, get over here and help me!"

He looked over to see Henry was gone... and the door that he brought open was closed and locked and he could hear stuff being moved behind it to barricade it.

"You bastard!", and with that, James stood up and made two fists at his side, preparing to punch.

"Take this!" _Smack! _"And this!"_ Smack! _"I know that hurt!", James said as he struck the woman repeatedly with his strongest punches.

"Are you really trying to hurt me or are you just kidding around?", Cynthia asked, she wasn't joking, the fists didn't do anything....

"Damn it!", James screamed as he realized that he couldn't hurt anything with his hands.

Henry on the other-hand was moving all of his items in front of the door, hoping that Cynthia would kill James first and by the time she was finished he'd be gone. And the reason he was barricading the door was so that James couldn't get out and would have to try to kill her. If he won... Henry would let him out and considering he didn't have a Sword of Obedience to keep her down with, he'd just do the next best thing. Chop her limbs off, take her heart out, and burn the corpse so that it wouldn't bother him anymore. It wasn't that he was evil... He just wasn't willing to die for someone, especially not for someone he'd just met.

"_Henry, for the love of God open the door!_" _Smack _"_She's going to get her blood into my mouth and I'll have HIV!_"James yelled through the door, and suddenly the slapping sounds got closer together.

_" WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME?!", _Cynthia's ghost screamed, before a loud crash was heard.

_"I'M SORRY!!"_

Henry just backed away from the door, and opened his item chest, which was one of the things he'd used to barricade it. So far he only had the Axe, Lead pipe, Bat, Pick Axe of Despair, and Richard's revolver, 3 Holy Candles and two Saint Medallions. At least he'd be ready for her if she came... But feeling a little guilty he decided to give James a fighting chance. And he was a little scared that Frank would find out and kick him out. He went over to James' duffel bag, which was on the floor near the seat and began to look in it for any sort of weapon that would work.

James wasn't doing well and he knew it. Currently the ghost was was between James' legs and punching him in the stomach and sometimes the face. And with her supernatural strength, it hurt a lot more than those kicks from those stupid Mannequins.

"STOP!!!"

"WHO'S YO MAMA!?"

"I BET YOU'D LIKE ME TO SAY YOU YOU STUPID SLUT!!!"

"SHUT UP BITCH!", she screamed then head butted him in the crotch.

"OOOOWWW!!!!!!"

"You know this is getting boring...", Cynthia said.

James was happy to see that she had gotten bored of beating him, which he would never admit to another person that he was that weak, but his eyes widened as she opened her mouth and saw her teeth stained from the blood she choked up while she was dying.

"You think I have HIV, right? Well... Let's see if I can prove you wrong...", she said seductively.

_"Oh my God...", _James thought in terror at the idea of necrophilia, rape, and most horribly of all... possibly an STD worse than HIV.

"And I don't have HIV... I do have SEVEN types of STD though!", and with that she lunged at him and he stopped her head just in time before she bit into his neck.... The ghost was going to give him STD like a vampire by transmitting bodily fluids!

"NOOOO!!!! PLEASE STOP!!!!", he screamed as she began to overpower him with her supernatural strength.

He was just about to give up when he heard stuff outside being shuffled around, and then something solid hit the ghost in the back of the head. She stopped for a moment to turn around, and James moved his head around her body to see that Henry had opened the door. He was thinking he'd come back to help.

"James, I wanted to show you I'm not evil...", Henry said.

"Thank you H-", the door slammed, "..... WHAT THE HELL MAN!?"

"_I threw in your plank!_", Henry's voice yelled from the other-side, then the sounds of objects being moved could be heard again.

Cynthia looked over to her left to see that the plank was on the ground near her... And it was the same object that had hit her in the head as well. Taking advantage of her distraction, he pushed her off and grabbed the plank.

".... Okay, I'll do it!", Frank finally agreed to the witch's proposal. She'd give him money for summoning Pumpkinhead, so he had a win-win situation... But he'd need to give most of it to Henry though. And he was a little curious to see what Pumpkinhead looked like....

Henry leaned against the opposite wall and heard the sudden sounds of wood on undead flesh. He currently had a Saint Medallion in his hand and if Cynthia tried to pass through the wall to get away he'd put it on her and she'd be forced back into the room or take more damage.

_"HOW DOES IT FEEL?!", _James' voice screamed through the wall.

_SMACK-SMACK-SMACK-CRICK-SMACK-SMACK!!!_

_"At least I don't need a weapon to beat up a GIRL!"_

_"SHUT UP!!!"_, James' voice continued and the smacks got faster.

_SMACK-SMACK-CRICK-SMACK-SMACK-SMACK!!!_

James was in heaven, not only did he get to defend his new friend Henry, he also got to take out his anger at Maria on the undead lady in front of him.

_SMACK-SMACK-CRICK-SMACK!!!_

But he was a little worried about the cricking sound it kept making, but it looked fine so he continued on.

"STOP AND I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY!", the ghost lady screamed.

" NO!"

"BUT WHY?!"

James stopped for a moment before casually saying, "You threatened to give me seven types of STD", then swung the plank at her face again.

But he underestimated her and she threw out her foot and kicked him in the stomach. He froze from a second from the pain, then got kneed in the balls and collapsed onto the floor in pain while dropping the wooden plank. She grabbed it quickly and slowly knocked it against the palm of her hand like it were a paddle.

"So who's the bigger person now?", she asked.

" That depends since I'm not sure if you were born a girl", James said sarcastically before the plank slammed into his head again and again...

Outside of the apartment, somehow, despite being thousands of miles away from it's home was the skeletal creature known as Pumpkinhead. Roughly standing at 8 feet with large talons and it's completely white eyes, it was truly intimidating. Drool came out of it's large mouth, the razor-like teeth gleaming from the streetlight it was standing up, hunched over slightly it straightened up as it saw the ghost of Richard Braintree walking towards the apartment with a brand new revolver since that theif, err, hero, Henry stole.. uh, took... Uh... _Borrowed_ his other-one.

Thinking that the supernatural being would be able to understand his gibberish, he walked in front of it and growling at it. Richard started freaking out that it was about to kill him, when in reality it was trying to say...

"Excuse me sir, sorry to bother you but can you tell me the locations of a mister Henry Townshend and James Sunderland? I'm new to the city and-" Richard fired into it's head".... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Richard took a step back as the bullet did nothing to the creature, not even a dent was made in it's tough skin. It couldn't understand the creature because it's mouth wasn't meant for talking, just eating.

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T KILL IT! ... Oh wait, it can't kill me either since I'm immortal.... Sorry dumb ass!", Richard yelled at it, unafraid because of his apparent immortality.

Pumpkinhead realised that the ghost couldn't understand it... But he didn't have any right to shoot at it.

Pumpkinhead stared at him for a minute before grabbing him, lifting him off the ground and slammed him into the pavement several times.

"Is that the best you can do you pussy?! I get shot and it hurts more than that!", Richard mocked, enjoying his invincibility.

".... You're asking for it buddy!", Pumpkinhead growled. And did something so horrible that I can't describe it in detail since this is rated T.

_"Slowing down whore?! I thought you had more endurance than that!", _James' voice screamed through the wood.

The sound of the plank breaking caught his attention.

Henry glanced up and then at the Saint Medallion in his hand before going into the room to find that Cynthia was slowly crawling across his bed towards James, a broken wooden plank in her hands. And James seemed to ignore the pain of the bruises, cuts, and some blood in his eye... And no it wasn't Cynthia's it was his. In fact, it looked like he should have been blind from the amount in his eyes.

"I'm gonna shove this plank right up your-", she couldn't finished as Henry swung his Rusty Axe into the back of her head. She fell down after that single strike.

"Okay James, use the bathroom to get rid of the blood. I already put some Nutrition Drinks in there."

James nodded and stood there for a moment, his mouth in a tight line from the pain and somewhat seemed annoyed.

".... What?", Henry asked.

"Aren't you going to lead me to the bedroom, I can't see."

"....."

"....."

".... How'd you stay away from Cynthia then?"

"I just smelt the scent of all the guys she was with before she got here and ran away from it."

_"I'LL KILL YOU!!", _Cynthia screamed, suddenly back to life before Henry screamed from the shock then brought back down his axe into her back and finally took out the Saint Medallion and put it onto her back.

"Just feel your way around", Henry said, waiting to see if she would get back up.

"..... Fine.", James said, and felt his way out of the room and into the bathroom since it's door was directly across from Henry's.

While James was getting the blood out of his eye with water, Henry realized something.

"She's bleeding all over my bed...", he said, then put his axe on the ground and grabbed her legs then stopped as he realized that the medallion might fall off if she hit the ground... _"She's weakened, I can stop her..."_ and slowly pulled her off of it... and when the top half of her body hit the floor, the medallion fell off.

".... Henry...", Cynthia said slowly.

"Damn it...", Henry cursed as he reached for his axe.

".... Haggis, am I supposed to be seeing things?", Frank asked, his eyes rolled into the back of his head making his eyes completely white and eerily similar to Pumpkinhead's.

"Like what?", the woman, Haggis, asked.

"Well, I just thought about my jackass of a tenant getting punching in the gut until he was bleeding from the mouth, then got nuts ripped off, shoved into his mouth, having his leg twisted off and shoved up his ass -literally- and then having his head twisted off and thrown across the street where dogs began to pee on it."

"..... Did you have claws in your thoughts?"

"Yeah... Why?"

"Then it really happened."

"What?! I thought you said it'd only attack the targets!", Frank screamed at her accusingly, somehow looking directly at her even though his eyes were rolled into the back of his head. He was more scared that it would come for him next... But it would die to, but he didn't know about the mental state of the demonic corpse-like creature.

"He must have attacked him first then.", Haggis replied, then took a drag on the cigarette Frank offered her, "You sure you don't want to be immortal?"

"No", Frank answered flatly.

"Why?", the old witch asked.

"You said I'd have to get my nipples cut off, get tattoos, and spend 25 days in the wild without food or water..."

"That's the only downside, other than that you'll be a God amount men. And you would have to eat what came out of--", Haggis said.

"You're a real bitch, you know that?", Frank cut in.

So now, Cynthia was chasing Henry around his living room, but he kept jumping over objects and running into things. He just needed to get to his chest to get to the other ghost repelling items. Normally the chest would have been in the room he was running in, but James was still mad at him for trapping him in a room so as soon as he got the blood out of his eyes and saw Cynthia chasing Henry around, he took Henry's item chest and dragged it into the bathroom with him. Surprisingly quick, but that might have been from lifting Pyramid Head's Great Knife as a weapon.

"James, I'm sorry! I need your help!", Henry screamed, and felt two things wrap around his ankles before he was being dragged backwards.

He twisted around to see that Cynthia had used her long, controllable hair to drag him towards her.

"Cynthia, how about that special favor?!", Henry began to say... But rather than get an STD, he'd just run when she let go.

".... Okay", Cynthia said.

Henry was relieved when she said that but noticed that the dragging was still going on.

"When you're DEAD!", she screamed maniacally.

"That's necrophilia you freak!"

"Technically you have to be alive to commit necrophilia"

_CRASH!!!_

Henry's door burst off it's hinges and crashed into Cynthia with enough force to make her crash into Henry.

James, hearing the crash, assumed that she killed him, at which he felt guilty, and immediately opened the door. He walked down the short hallway and saw that the being standing in the doorway was none other than the immortal monster: Pumpkinhead.

Meanwhile, a few moments ago on the first floor of the apartment building...

"Haggis you said it wouldn't do anything but go after the people that I said wanted to die right....?"

"Yes."

"Then why am I looking at my own apartment? And why does it keep breaking down people's doors then leaving?", Frank paused for a minute, thinking about who it could be, "What was the color and license plate number of the car that hit you?"

"Blue, and it's license plate was X90413B, why?", Haggis asked, hoping it was just someone he didn't care about.

"That's the same license plate number as my son's car"

"Oh no..."

"..... So you just made me unleash a supernatural killing machine on my mentally ill son?"

The old lady nodded.

"How do I stop it?!"

"Well.... You have to kind of die...."

"I can't control it? Even if I'm mentally part of it right now?"

"No."

"WHAT KIND OF IDIOT MADE THESE RULES!?", Frank screamed at her... or more specifically the idiot that made the rules.

"I.... Don't... Know."

"We'd better get to them before that monster does then", Frank said and walked towards the door.

"You're not getting paid if you help them"

"Damn it lady, I make more money than you offer me!", then thought, _"Mostly by selling video tapes of old men touching James but still..."_

James stared at the monster, then screamed as he gripped Henry's Rusty Axe with both hands.

Pumpkin head hissed for a moment and began it's slow stride towards James. And in panic, James swung his axe at the monster's knee... And the blade stopped like it hit a brick wall.

"God d--", James said before the monster backhanded him and he flew onto the other-side of the room, where his body smashed into the giant TV in the room, where it landed fell off of it's stand and onto the door that was on top of Henry and Cynthia.

"... What the hell?", Cynthia said, regaining conscious from her short blackout before realizing she was under a dazed Henry, and a door was on top of them both.

Gripping Henry by his shoulders, she pushed him, the door, and unknowingly the TV off of her effortlessly. Floating off of the ground, she glared at Pumpkinhead and went towards him, hair prepared to grab any limbs to restrain him she reached forward with her hands intending to grab his heart and drain it of energy.

The super victim / ghost with super powers vs the invincible monster / corpse with enhanced abilities .... And the monster won when it grabbed her by her hair and smashed her face into the wall beside it hard enough that her entire head went through it.

Henry just stood up and looked over to see James was on the stand, his face in a grimace of pain before he sat up and got off of it and stood only a few inches away from Henry.

"Why's this thing here?! I beat Walter and the hauntings should have st..", he stopped as he realized something, " Wait, if it was then it wouldn't have hit Cynthia... James, do you have something to explain?!", Henry asked, or more accurately accused.

"No, I beat my personal demons."

The monster advanced on the two menacingly....

"Hey Henry... Why's that thing moving so slow?", James asked.

"Probably to build up dramatic effect... Which is dumb since the person it's after could just...", Henry began to trail off.

"What Henry?"

"SNEAK ATTACK!", Henry screamed and punched James in the face, dazing him.

Quickly grabbing his axe in his dazed state, he put it down, grabbed James, and threw him closer to the monster.

"Why!?", James screamed as he landed roughly 2 feet away from it.

"You let that ghost chase me around and it was going to violate my corpse!"

"..... Oh.", James replied and turned around, and ran a few feet and grabbed Henry before he could jump through the window nearby, pushed him onto the ground, and jumped through Henry's window. After a few seconds of falling his entire body hit the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OW OW OWWWWWWWWWW!", James screamed while crying like a baby at the pain in his legs and the rest of his body. Instead of running around the monster, he jumped out of a three story building.

Henry got up and brushed himself off, then turned around to see the monster was closer to him. But it was 5 feet away and moving it's legs slowly.

"Wow... That's scary.... Dumb ass!", Henry said before turning to the window and realizing something. He could survive the jump... Probably, but he'd be in pain like James was at the moment... So he did the next best thing he could. He turned around and angled the axe so that it would fly into the monster's crotch and threw it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!", the monster screamed as it instead made contact with his head.

"THOUGHT I'D HIT YOU IN THE NUTS DIDN'T YOU!?", Henry screamed, now holding the broken down door as a large club and swung it at the monster... more specifically the axe embedded in it, driving it further.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!", It screamed louder from the pain, before it felt Henry's fist connect with his balls and it had to bend over from the sudden pain, then felt another smack on the back of it's head.

"YOU COME IN HERE AND TRY TO KILL ME YOU BASTARD!!!", Henry screamed, angry that monsters seemed to habit of following him before smacking the monster in the back of the head again, this time with enough force to force it's body to the ground, and the axe all the way through it's skull.

He'd done it... He killed TWO invincible creatures! He was unstoppable....

The corpse twitched slightly....

If another ghost came into his apartment, he'd use a sharp, penetrating object to kill it instead of hitting it in the head with a baseball bat. He closed his eyes and screamed at the top of his voice in a confident voice, " I... Am... GOD!!"

'God' opened his eyes after heating a bit of shuffling and saw that the thing he'd killed was standing up again and had a pissed off look on it's face, blood coming down through the still embedded Axe.

"Uh.... I.... DAMN!", Henry screamed, just before Pumpkinhead grabbed him and lifted him off of the ground, attempting to twist his head off, but Henry in his panic did the only thing he could. He screamed and started kicking anywhere he could, and accidentally kicked the handle of the axe, making part of it still in his head move around. And the pain made it scream.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!", it screamed in pain, almost pleading in the back of it's mind for death to escape the torture, before Henry's foot somehow made contact with it's balls again.

In room 303, on the bed in Eileen Galvin's room with the TV turned up all the way, she and her new boyfriend, Alex Shepherd were spending quality time together when suddenly...

"Eileen, did you hear screaming?", Alex asked his girlfriend, not sure if it was just his imagination.

"No... Maybe it was just the TV."

"Okay, let's get back to- WHAT THE HELL!?"_, _Henry Townshend flew through the wall and landed right on Alex Shepherd in a very... Suggestive position.

".... Townshend...", Alex began to say when he realized where Henry's hands were, "Get your hands off my chest!"

"Shepherd...", Henry began to say with clear hostility, "Get yours off my butt!"

Eileen took advantage of the situation and prepared to take a picture when Alex pushed Henry off.

"Damn!", she screamed, and put her camera away.

They both stared at her a minute before Alex finally looked through the hole

And instead of an injured Pumpkinhead, with an axe shoved into his body, the axe was gone and the wound already healed.

"What did you do!?", Alex screamed, grabbing Henry by his collar and shaking him as he spoke.

"It came out of nowhere, I swear...", Henry defended himself, "... And pull the sheet up you freak!"

Alex growled before letting go of him with one hand and pulling the sheet up back over his body, then grabbed him with both hands again.

"Henry, you're going to pay for this hole though!", Eileen suddenly joined in.

The Pumpkin Head was now breaking through the wall to make the hole bigger to fit itself through.

".... So it might just be following you? And only you?", Eileen suddenly asked.

"Yeah... Maybe... That or James, but it's following me now... Maybe I shouldn't have kicked it in the nads"

"...... And it might not kill us if we give it to you?", Eileen asked again.

"Yeah, wait, n-" Alex threw him through the hole, and grabbed Eileen's hand and ran out of the room.

"Wait, we forgot our clothes!", Alex began to say.

"No time!"

Henry grinned nervously as he looked up at the monster, a more sadistic and evil looking smile than before was on it's face as it moved for the method of torture.... It was going to take it's time with this one.

James, on the other hand was currently running for for his dad's apartment room, after recovering from his injury, but since he was out of shape, he kept having to make frequent stops.

So stopping for the 20th time in a row, he slowed down for a bit when he realized that his father, and several other tenants walking out of that part of the apartment and the upper floors with melee weapons and firearms. Currently, Frank was in the lead with a bat that said, 'Don't be an idiot... Or else'.

"James, you're alive!", Frank said, running up to James and giving him a hug.

"Dad..."

"Yes James?"

".... How can you see with your eyes like that?"

Frank's eyes were still white, but despite all the laws of logic, he was able to see.

"Oh... I don't know.", then took notice of his condition.

"... How can you see with your eyes swollen like that?"

James just shrugged before bending over from his exhaustion of running.

"James, why are you so tired? It was only three sets of stairs!", Frank said.

"I jumped out of a window and landed on that side of the building! I had to stop like 20 times!", James defended himself.

" Son, that's only 13 feet."

".... And I was beat up"

"What did it do to you?", Frank asked, noticing the bruises on his face.

"It wasn't that monster... It was a girl."

"..... Is she dead?"

"No, I couldn't kill her."

Frank stared at his son for moment before slapping him, "Man up man! You have to be able to hit a woman if you want to be a real man!", the abusive father yelled, getting stared at by some of the tenants. Even making some of the women take steps away from him.

"... Is that why mom cheated on you?"

Frank just stared at him for a second before hitting him in the side of the head... With the bat.

"And the thing about my eyes looking like this is because I'm connected with that monster because I summoned it here."

"_WHAT?!_", half of the crowd screamed.

"You mean to tell me that you made that giant monster come into our apartments in the middle of the night?!", an old, pudgy lady with a roller asked.

"I didn't know it would come here!", Frank said holding up his hands, "I just thought it would kill someone."

"What the hell is wrong with you!? You were gonna kill someone you bastard!", someone screamed.

"I'd get paid. But I didn't know it would come after my son, I make more money after selling video tapes of him getting mol-- uh, getting touched by old-- Uh, just for doing stuff.", Frank answered calmly, his eyes looking around for any hints that they were catching onto him.

The lady stared at him for a few seconds before gripping her roller and throwing it at Frank's face. But the throw was weak and landed near his feet. Frank just smiled at her.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!", her grandson yelled before throwing a frying pan into his face.

"OW! YOU LITTLE-", Frank stopped as he noticed that most of the apartment owners were now holding up their weapons.

"YOU'RE THE REASON I COULDN'T GO TO SLEEP!", someone yelled.

"THAT THING WALKED IN ON ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND YOU SON OF A BITCH!", Alex screamed while wearing someone's curtains as a loin clothe and Eileen having the entire thing wrapped around her body.

"People, my dad was only doing this for money! He'd never intentionally harm anyone!"

As if on cue, Richard Braintree walked in, covered in pee and bleeding from the wounds the monster caused it.

"Some monster tortured me for defending myself! I didn't do anything to it!", he said... It didn't count as self-defense on the monster's part since the bullet couldn't harm it.

"TEAR HIS EARS OFF!", a crazed tenant yelled before they all roared in agreement and charged Frank.

".... RUN DAD!", James said, and looked back to see that Frank was making his way up the stairs.

"You coward.... Ow! Can't even give -ow- someone the chance to get prepared to even the -OWWW- battlefield!", Henry screamed at the monster as it pimp-slapped him again.

"How would it be fair when you would have GUNS and I only have my hands?", Pumpkinhead growled, before slapping him again.

"If you stop I'll give you 200 dollars!", the uncaring jackass pleaded.

"You shoved an axe through my head!", it screamed before slapping him again.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!!!", Frank screamed, making Pumpkinhead turn around, holding Henry in front of him as a shield.

"Don't shoot!", Henry screamed as James, now armed with his Handgun, took aim.

"Henry, either I shoot or it violently decapitates you like in that video game Dead Space!"

"Okay..... It's head is soft though.", Henry paused, then felt something poking his back "And that better not be what I think it is buddy".

"It's not you, it's the old man... I'm not gay... Any oldie will do...!", the monster screamed before bringing Henry up in front of it's face as a shield.

On the outside of the doors that lead to the third floor, the tenants were attempting to break down the door. Despite the fact that there were roughly 20 of them, the combined forces of them ramming into the door did nothing.

"Why can't we kick this door open?!"

"Doors in Silent Hill are unbreakable! I"

"Yeah, I tried to cut through a locked door once with a chainsaw...."

"And?"

"The chain broke and the rest exploded."

Anyway, back to room 302, Henry was now the hostage by a large monster. And he was getting scared, not of dying.... What the monster would do to him next if he were right about that thing he felt on his back.

"Put him down! I command you!", Frank screamed.

The monster just stared at him before shaking it's head.

"THAT'S IT!", Frank yelled and threw the bat at the monster's head. But the monster still had Henry as a shield and the bat hit Henry in the mouth.

"WHAT THE HELL FRANK!?", Henry screamed, eyes tearing up from the additional pain.

"Sorry Henry, you'll get a discount if you don't sue... Now just put the boy down and we can come to some kind of agreement."

Checking out the man again, he growled something Henry wouldn't be able to understand, then tilted his head down to look at Frank. Then it nodded. After all, if the client didn't want the target to die anymore, then business was done...

"Good, now name your deal!", Frank said, then realized where the monster had Henry staring.

"Uh.... Henry? Is that you looking down there?", James asked.

"No. It is.", Henry said before the monster dropped him and charged the pain. James started screaming and fired before it pushed him out of the doorway and grabbed Frank.

"Wait! I didn't mean for it to be- I'm into girls!", Frank pleaded, now afraid that he'd be the one on the receiving end of the beatings.

"I have both", Pumpkin head growled.

_"OH MY GOD!", _Frank screamed.

James screamed in anger then charged him before Henry stopped him.

"James, he made the deal to give it anything, let him do it!"

"But-"

"Damn it James he beat you up! He makes me pay twice as much rent as everyone else! He deserves it!"

"But he's my dad!"

"He told me he told Mary you slept with another woman"

"..... Have fun dad!", James said as they walked into Henry's apartment.

"James, I have earplugs in the bathroom so put them in"

"Okay."

And the rest of the night was spent with James sleeping on his couch while Henry slept in his bed with their ears plugged. The other tenants on that floor ignoring Frank's loud calls (screams really) for help.

Eventually, the next day, Frank walked into their apartment and kicked down Henry's door.

"You're keeping him..." he stopped to catch his breath, "I need more time to myself and he... _pant... _seems better off in your hands... I don't know what I'll do to him next when I wake and it's still hurting."

"But-"

"Damn it Henry, don't argue with me on this! And by the way.... You have some broad sticking halfway out of your laundry room", and with that, Frank left, but not before punching James in his sleep.

* * *

My first time writing pure humor! And did I make Henry and Frank too jerky or not enough? Anyway, this is NOT a oneshot, I already have several ideas for chapter two... Read and Review, I'll even take 'it's funny'.


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